I'm a dork

2002-10-15 3:16 p.m.

Okay, do you know what helped me just now? Finding the picture of flying kitty and the one of my 7th birthday. I’m going to try to draw it for you.Check out the hot side ponytail and My Little Pony hat

yes, ma'am

2002-10-15 11:29 a.m.

I have rancorous thoughts again today. I doubt it has much to do with my birthday. I need to take a long vacation, alone. In a cabin with a fireplace. And I’ll hike, alone, and think about absolutely nothing. I have big ideas in the crook of my elbow. My arms have been crossed for a long time.

I absolutely frustrated myself to high hell yesterday. I have…almost….two whole songs. But, I can’t bring myself to do the finishing move. This is the story of my life. Everyone is right, so don’t point it out because I am unable see anymore. I tried to lock myself in my room to finish them, but then R. came over and had a mean look in his eye and all got in my face “I’ll just go home.” “If you want to be alone, I’ll just go home.” Like 30 seconds after he walks in the door. I didn’t even have a chance to understand the severity of me leaving my phone off for 18 hours. Then the denial of any anger when, really, it was a third being sitting in between us. If it’s not anger, then I’ve been misreading the human condition my whole life. It’s so easy to blame other people.

When do you go from being your own person to being a person who merely serves a purpose or fills a role? More importantly, when did I? I am responsible for someone’s mental state. Doesn’t that make anyone else uncomfortable? All I know is I feel blamed for not being happy slappy super-happy-to-see-you-every-second-I’m-not-human-and-I never-get-sick-of-you-girlfriend. And because I’m not her, it’s the end of the world.

I’m sorry, I try never to discuss this, but it’s really on my fucking nerves lately.

Oh, fucking be happy and clever all the time or fall off the face of the earth and die. Okay, got it.

ruff

2002-10-15 9:47 a.m.

Timing is never good.

Being a disappointment is a personal triumph, rather than a failure.

Mail rules.

I am a big loser of poo

2002-10-11 12:12 p.m.

My emotions are not a roller coaster. I do not feel nauseous and then exalted. They are more like a tilt-a-whirl. I feel dizzy, all the time. Through all the malaise and joy, I still feel dizzy and out of sorts. The question I always find myself asking is “Where am I? No really, what the hell is happening?” And then I laugh. I always laugh. I laugh at the futility of trying to control the world. I think unhappy people have expectations. They think that they have control over all the things that happen and therefore (always!) fail in the sense that things don’t work out to their onion peel erected plans that get steamrolled by LIFE (imagine that!) and in turn hate/blame the world/themselves for it.

Let’s ride the steamroller! Come with me! It’s much more satisfying (!) and fun (!!).

And I’m going to be twenty-four on Tuesday. I hope to hear the doorbell and open the door to the sexy little UPS man with his scandalously (I think so) exposed furry knees. I’m such a Neanderthal.

I want to play skeeball and bowl with the big balls and go on a hike in the crusty-leaved woods up a hill while I drink whiskey out of a flask in the back pocket of my jeans (O, don’t you love how it curves around your cheek?) and when I reach the clearing at the top have a fully-clothed make out session. My funny little ears would be red with the chill.

Snail Mail Pail Rail Bail Brail Tail Wail Sail

2002-10-10 2:19 p.m.

Everyone that reads my diary: I am going on a mail campaign. Like real mail. I really love to send mail and I'm going to try to get back into the habit. email me your address and I'll send you something (even if you actually know me and I see you a lot). It might be a note written in pink pen, or a pez dispenser, or a candy wrapper, or just an empty envelope. Whatever. I only have one persons address and I can't very well just send mail to one person. I plan on staying home for the most part and just making and practicing music and I'm going to need a break besides patting kitty.

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

2002-10-10 1:19 p.m.

i am an indie snob!


How indie are you? test by ridethefader


You're just too cool for school, aren't you? You're pretty narrow minded

and opinionated with regards to music (and probably most other things

as well). But you're allowed to be, because you really are better

than everyone else. You take pride in obscurity.

You probably prefer vinyl too, you elitist bitch.

I wanna buy you corn dogs

2002-10-10 10:24 a.m.

Statement

Available Balance

10/10/2002@09:23CT $ 4.13

I also feel like The Bell Jar being in my cube cabinet for the past 8 months is also an omen.

BUbble pink bubble bubble pink

2002-10-10 10:18 a.m.

This morning the smell of curry woke me up. I peed and opened the bathroom door and there was Kelly all hunched over with her hands like claws and one eye puffy in her wide-eyed grimace. Picture the movie Nosferatu (1922). I think that’s the Scottish morning face. It made me laugh inside. Then I left late and I ran to the bus stop. As I reached the top of the hill, it was pulling away. In Boston the bus drivers DON”T GIVE A FUCK. As soon as they turn their wheel, they’re gone and they don’t give a shit about you. I didn’t even wave, I just made the face of sorrow and stopped running. And what?! The bus driver, already in traffic, saw me and pulled over. For me. I didn’t believe in omens until today. And when I got to work, this accountant insisted on giving me half his half moon pie cookie because I had never had one before. He vehemently insisted.

last - next

old | new | host | email | Linkage | Go to the Prom | G-book |